I Don't Like Spiders and Snakes........

Ugg Boot

Actually, I like spiders. But I'm terrified of snakes. Why am I talking about this? Friday, I'm waiting on my best bud Paul and his wife to come over. We have a night of intoxication to get to. I had been playing the bass and looking out my front window. When I play and look out the window, I prop my foot up on the window sill. The phone rang and I was in the middle of a conversation when, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I look down and just outside the window is a huge snake starring at me.

I'm so startled that I can't continue my phone conversation. Just at that moment, my friends pull up. They honk the horn, once, twice, three times a loady..... What the hell??? Anyway, I finally crack the door and try to yell for them to come help. It comes out like Mickey Mouse on crack. Finally, they come and see my problem. Paul isn't too fond of snakes but isn't a pussy like me. He tells me to find something to kill it with. I get him a ho. Now I've gotten Paul ho's in the past but.... that's a whole other story. I got paul a......rake. That's what it was. He tells me to get him a gun so when he gets the snake off of the window sill, he can take care of it. Oh shit. The snake went into my hedge. As Paul digs for it, I get my pistol.

Not that I don't trust paul with a gun, but I waited in the house along with his wife. Blam! Blam! Blam! "Damnit. I missed." As Paul wrestles with this hedge that the snake keeps slithering out of sight in, I call my uncle that lives next door. Paul gives up with the gun, with a little persuasion. So, my uncle arrives with a sling blade. "I like them french fried taters". What the hell???? Not that sling blade. This one is for clearing bushes. Some call it a brush hook. Anyway, whack. Prolbem solved.....almost.

What the hell do we do with this snake? I ask Paul to put the snake in the woods for me. He walks out of sight. I go back in the house and Pauls wife asks if Paul left some work boots in the back of my truck. I said I didn't think so but we could look. As I casually and calmly walk to my truck and look in the back......(I would've screamed again but somehow nothing would come out). I started backing up in a panicked state. Paul had put the snake in the bed of my truck. Evan cackles like a chicken. I tell Paul to get that damned snake out of my truck. He takes it away. If there ever was a day when a rubber snake would've come in handy, that would have been it.