The End Is Near

Ugg Boot

I've never been accused of being politically correct. I don't see the point. I'm in a lighter mood this afternoon and thought I'd share my humorous find with you. Please leave a comment or two.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will never be able to support you.


How do you know when a woman's about to say something
smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you
let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so
you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't
like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... wedding cake.

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned
near impossible.

Why was alcohol invented?
So fat women can get laid too.

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money,
a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What
happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found
out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave
the hallway light on.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National
lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for
warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't
care ... just so long as you're out of the house by
noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street bald and still think they are
beautiful.


If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had
to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?


Why have women got legs?
To move between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Did you hear about the new home appliance?
You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is always a good idea to have the
dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you change a woman's mind?
Buy her another beer.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at
you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a
bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

WIFE: Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc...

IN THE NEWS:
Johnny Cash's home destroyed by fire

Plants on other planets may be yellow or red. Hmmm.

Talk-show host Don Imus triggered the uproar on his April 4 show, when he referred to the mostly black Rutgers women's basketball team as "nappy-headed hos." His comments have been widely denounced by civil rights and women's groups. Oh c'mon children. So much for freedom of speech. If someone is a nappy-headed ho, shouldn't you be able to say that they are?

IMUS: 'WHEN WILL SHARPTON APOLOGIZE TO DUKE PLAYERS'?

Pa. DJ Fired for Repeating Imus Comments...




Today in History:
1606 - The Union Jack is adopted as the national flag of Great Britain.

1633 - The formal inquest of Galileo Galilei by the Inquisition begins.

1776 - North Carolina's Provincial Congress authorized its delegates to the Second Continental Congress to vote for independence by issuing the Halifax Resolves.

1861 - American Civil War: The war begins with Confederate forces firing on Fort Sumter, in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina.

1864 - American Civil War: Fort Pillow massacre -- Confederate forces under General Nathan Bedford Forrest kill most of the African American soldiers who had surrendered at Fort Pillow, Tennessee.

1865 - American Civil War: Mobile, Alabama, falls to the Union Army.

1931 - The strongest wind in the world measured at 231 mph was recorded on the summit of Mount Washington

1937 - Sir Frank Whittle ground-tests the first jet engine designed to power an aircraft, at the British Thomson-Houston factory in Rugby, England.

1945 - President Franklin D. Roosevelt dies while in office; vice-president Harry S. Truman is sworn in as the 33rd President of the United States.

1954 - Bill Haley & His Comets record "Rock Around the Clock" in New York City. Initially unsuccessful, the recording would help launch the rock and roll revolution a year later.

1955 - The polio vaccine, developed by Dr. Jonas Salk, is declared safe and effective.

1961 - Human spaceflight: Yuri Gagarin becomes the first man to fly in space.

1963 Beatles "From Me to You" is released in UK

1966 Rocker Jan Berry crashes his Corvette into a parked truck

1968 - Nerve gas accident at Skull Valley, Utah.

1969 Simon & Garfunkel releases "The Boxer"

1975 Linda Ronstadt releases "When Will I Be Loved"

1981 - Human spaceflight: The first launch of a Space Shuttle: Columbia launches on the STS-1 mission.

1988 Sonny Bono elected mayor of Palm Springs CA

1992 Actress Lisa Bonet files for divorce from singer Lenny Kravitz

1994 - Canter & Siegel post the first commercial mass Usenet spam. Damn them!!!

1996 - Yahoo! has its initial public offering, selling 2.6 million shares at $13 each.

1999 - American President Bill Clinton was cited for contempt of court for giving "intentionally false statements" in the Paula Jones sexual harassment civil lawsuit.


Happy Birthday:
1777 - Henry Clay, American statesman (d. 1852)
1932 - Tiny Tim, American musician (d. 1996)
1944 - John Kay, German-born musician (Steppenwolf)
1947 - Tom Clancy, American author
1947 - David Letterman, American talk show host
1950 - David Cassidy, American singer and actor
1956 - Andy Garcia, Cuban-born actor
1957 - Vince Gill, American musician


Deaths on this Day:
1748 - William Kent, English architect
1912 - Clara Barton, American nurse and Red Cross advocate (b. 1821)
1945 - Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States (b. 1882)
1999 - Boxcar Willie, American singer (b. 1931)
2007 - Kurt Vonnegut