Where Does The Time Go?
Ugg Boot
It's already February? How'd that happen? Saturday, big hat lady(pictured above) and I went to have a nice dinner at Red Lobster. I don't like seafood but I was trying to be nice and considerate so I went along. The only thing I could find on the menu that wasn't seafood was Cajun Chicken pasta with garlic sauce. I don't like garlic but thought it would be the lesser of the evils. I was wrong. It was so strong with garlic that I ate about three pieces of chicken and had a hard time swallowing. I've never had that problem before. hahahahaha. The waitress flirted with me the whole time. I know she was working me for a tip. Anyway, I had two candy bars for dinner Saturday. The candy bars were good. What did I do with all that left over food? I got a to-go box, which I call a doggie bag. The smell of garlic haunted me all the way home, and big hat lady (pictured above) made it haunt me again the next morning when she reheated it. It came back at me once more when I took the trash out. It was bad, bad, bad.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
In the World Today:
"Chewbacca" arrested for head-butting
Lab disaster may lead to new cancer drug
A summer tour reuniting Van Halen with the band's former lead singer David Lee Roth has been confirmed by the band's publicist. How long will it last, you may ask? Not long.
On This Day In History:
1917 - The Congress of the United States passes a law, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, banning most Asian immigration to the United States.
1919 - Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford, Douglas Fairbanks, and D.W. Griffith launch United Artists.
1936 - Charlie Chaplin releases the last movie of the silent film era, Modern Times.
1937 - President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposes a plan to enlarge the Supreme Court of the United States.
1958 - A hydrogen bomb known as the Tybee Bomb is lost by the US Air Force off the coast of Savannah, Georgia, never to be recovered. Do I hear a movie script calling my name?
1971 - Project Apollo: Apollo 14 Mission - Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell aboard LM, Antares land on the Moon at Fra Mauro formation.
1994 - Byron De La Beckwith is convicted of the 1963 murder of civil rights leader Medgar Evers.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
In the World Today:
"Chewbacca" arrested for head-butting
Lab disaster may lead to new cancer drug
A summer tour reuniting Van Halen with the band's former lead singer David Lee Roth has been confirmed by the band's publicist. How long will it last, you may ask? Not long.
On This Day In History:
1917 - The Congress of the United States passes a law, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, banning most Asian immigration to the United States.
1919 - Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford, Douglas Fairbanks, and D.W. Griffith launch United Artists.
1936 - Charlie Chaplin releases the last movie of the silent film era, Modern Times.
1937 - President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposes a plan to enlarge the Supreme Court of the United States.
1958 - A hydrogen bomb known as the Tybee Bomb is lost by the US Air Force off the coast of Savannah, Georgia, never to be recovered. Do I hear a movie script calling my name?
1971 - Project Apollo: Apollo 14 Mission - Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell aboard LM, Antares land on the Moon at Fra Mauro formation.
1994 - Byron De La Beckwith is convicted of the 1963 murder of civil rights leader Medgar Evers.
posted by Crazy B @ 10:58 AM
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